St Maur is also the author of the internationally best-selling "The Horse Lover's Joke Book" as well as more than 30 nonfiction books. She is now focusing on more humorous fiction, as well as helping other, less experienced authors get their books written and published. She's based mainly in the UK where she has a grown-up son and several rescued pets.
O ROOT CANAL
(to be sung to the tune of O Christmas Tree)
O Root Canal! O Root Canal!
I’m up for this procedure
O Root Canal! O Root Canal!
Tomorrow, this sheer torture
I’d rather stick a dragonfly
Right in the centre of my eye
O Root Canal! O Root Canal!
I’m think I’m due a seizure.
O Root Canal! O Root Canal!
No sleep had I last evening
O Root Canal! O Root Canal!
My husband says he’s leaving
All I could say the whole night long
Was tie a knot in his poor dong
O Root Canal! O Root Canal!
My heart and breast are heaving.
O Root Canal! O Root Canal!
My dentist is awaiting
O Root Canal! O Root Canal!
My terror not abating
I’ll need more time, as after all
I’m clinging half-way up his wall
O Root Canal! O Root Canal
I need some kind placating.
O Root Canal! O Root Canal!
I’m in the chair, strapped tightly
O Root Canal! O Root Canal!
I’m sat here quite contritely
After he stuck me in the arm
With something called diazeparm
O Root Canal! O Root Canal!
I look upon you brightly.
ICONIC
So many things in today's world
Plain average, not bionic
Just get your face in a public place
And you’re instantly iconic.
If you puke and pee very publicly
And deliver that as a comic
You’re instantly viewed as somewhat lewd
And right away, iconic.
Just tell some jokes about rich folks
And share some thoughts sardonic
Hey presto! You’re no longer crap
In fact, you’re now iconic.
Sing a song that hits a few bright wits
And gets some grunts melodic
Online, in muck, who gives a f*ck
You’re instantly iconic.
Paint a picture full of worms
And say it’s ergonomic
Hang it in state at the London Tate
And bingo! You’re iconic.
Write a book that takes a look
At sewage tech bionic
You may be it in high tech shit
But also now, iconic.
Got some thoughts on family faults?
Must be socio-economic
As long as it slags those upper class wags
No worries. You’re iconic.
And say you’re gay and that’s OK?
Of course it is. Harmonic.
But say some stuff that’s really rough
And boom. You are iconic.
Now how about the gender shouts
Non-binary sounds exotic!
Just speak your thoughts about those faults
And you’ll soon be iconic.
Let’s not forget our own diet
And everything gastronomic
Just say you cook what folks won’t f*ck
And wow! You’ll be iconic.
So what works for all us jerks?
To give us help hedonic?
Forget your brain, just say the inane
And you're sure to become iconic…