Suzan St Maur is a content marketing strategist and copywriter, helping businesses not only make their words work for them, but also to make sure the words work superbly within their overall marketing plans. She is the founder of the award-winning not-for-profit writing resource, How To Write Better and has had 34 nonfiction books published so far. Mischieverse, from which this poem is excerpted, is her first foray into naughty humorous verse. Publishes September 18th, 2017, by Corona Books UK. Is up on all the main Amazons now … the perfect Holiday naughty stocking (and suspenders) filler.
It all started with a comment from a frolleague (friend/colleague) who read one of my rather rude poems about Man Buns.
Having furtively removed the elastic band from his own man bun and shaken out his rather greasy locks, he asked me why I couldn’t put a poem together about how to write better, seeing as how that’s what my website and online presence is mostly about.
“Put your money where your mouth is and write some verse about writing,” he snooted. “Or is that too much for your little brain to handle?”
After having delivered a swift kick in the direction of his nether regions I succumbed. “Right, you spiteful old man-bunner,” I snarled. “You’re on.”
Don’t worry, my kick didn’t connect. He and I are good friends, really, and anyway I’m a lousy aim with my feet.
Here is the result…
How to Write Better
Grammar fascists please take note now
Better not play games with me
Split infinitives then gloat how
You have got away scot-free…
Nor will stupid, foolish use of
Apostrophes in the wrong place
Get you more than my own tough love
(More likely a hard slap-ped face.)
Know the difference between “lose”
And “loose?” Congratulations.
If I catch you mixing up those
You’re forever on short rations.
And while “you’re” thinking of such bores
You’d better pay attention
It’s that for “you are,” “your” is yours
Get it wrong? You’re in detention.
“It” is yet another groaner
Fights with “s” time and again
“Its” belongs to its own owner
“It’s” … it IS. You got that plain?
Here’s a joke, though. You’ll enjoy it
“Affect’s” a verb, “effect’s” a noun
Grammar fascists seldom get it
“Effect” can be a verb too, clown…
Now let’s see what “would of happened”
Were that grammatically correct…
“Would HAVE happened” is the right end
Shame on you for grammar wrecked.
Is it “wrote,” or is it “written?”
Past particles, past tense – what’s right?
Trust me, “I have wrote’s” forbidden
FFS get those two things “write.”
And here’s a silly thing (not really)
Can the “breaks” just stop your car?
Get your spelling right, ideally
“Brakes” will save you from afar.
Writing better isn’t about
Being snotty and superior
It’s about helping you move out
From being, in a word, inferior.
How did the frolleague react?
“At least you left my man bun out of it,” he conceded. “Anyway, you’re just jealous because your hair’s too short to put up in a bun.”
“Pass the p*ss and vinegar,” I hissed through clenched teeth. (How I hate it when they’re right…)